I am not even going to look at how long it has been since I last posted. It’s been a super long time. And since I have two Netflix screens that my grown children who do not live with me are using them I thought I would write something.
Here is The Ungrateful Bastard on his new scratching post. He is just as Ungrateful as he ever was. And I love him.
Here is the most incredible ocean view that I get to see everyday. That there is the Pacific Ocean. I am grateful every single time I see it. I can’t actually see it from my basement suite but I can if I step outside.
My daughter and I got matching tattoos. I never imagined that I would have such a great relationship with my children that they would want matching tattoos. And it was her idea! This is her first and my third.
One thing that I really wanted before I left my husband for good was a fish tank. I wasn’t allowed so I got one within a couple of weeks of getting my new place. One turned into two. Yay!
So… you may know I left my husband back on May 1. One thing that I never really shared here on my blog was how many times I tried to leave and didn’t. The relationship was very controlling and was a major factor in my depression. I will not go as far to say it caused by depression but it made it so much worse. I never had the courage to talk about it here but I think a lot of you probably read between the lines and knew. In the seven years that we lived together I left him I went into the women’s safe housing about ten different times. Each time I went back. Fear? Loneliness? The belief that things would get better? I don’t really know exactly why I was able to leave this time and not look back and have no regrets but I’ve done it and I’m proud of myself.
I think that I mentioned in my last post that I have now become certified end-of-life Doula. Super excited to see where this goes but at the same time there is no money in it so it’s not something I can’t pursue full-time. End-of life-care is heart work.
I am still at my job at a company that provides medical equipment to those in need. Sadly, there is a lot of office politics going on and a lot of dissension between staff members. I try really hard to keep to myself and not get pulled into the drama. I have an office and can’t keep my headphones on most of the day and just do my job but I’m finding it more and more stressful to be around people who are so angry and negative.
Life is good most days. I am dealing with a lot of anger with myself right now because I did not leave years ago. Or even more so, that I stayed with my ex despite huge red flags. I was codependent. I was not healthy. I kept believing that things would get better. Right now I’m at a place where I feel like I completely wasted the last 12 years of my life. I’m trying to look at those 12 years as what I need to get to be the person that I am right now. I do have times of intense loneliness and fear of the future. I had to start out with nothing. I walked out with my clothes and my bed. I had been at a place where I was debt and mortgage free. It’s hard to be coming up on 50 and starting all over again. Really hard.
That is all for now. I just got home from work and Norbert is needing some attention. I also need to make some dinner. I’m going on a Facebook break so I will be trying to get back to blogging.
Birdie Sings 