I Have not been able to log in for two months. It is not the internet. It is 100% me getting old and forgetting but at the same time too lazy to actually open my ipad and check. You know, right? These things these days just take so much energy. But I am aching now.
I need to write. My heart is so heavy and full of fear. I am being my normal fearful self. Listening to Leonard Cohen doesn’t help. “Everybody Knows” is bringing no comfort so I force my self to Neil Diamond cheering me on and giving me a hug with “Both Sides Now”. I try to breathe and connect with my breath but it is often catching in my throat. It has been such a long two years. Well, three for me. But you know this, We are all so shattered and delicate and even if this ends tonight the world is vastly different. Do you know how much I still think about you my blogging friends? I have thought of ALL of you during the pandemic. I have been sick with worry for some of you. But I was in such a bad place myself I could not reach out. I should have! I spent four months alone in my basement suite wondering if this was it. It sure felt like it. My mental health suffered greatly and I was also going through a horrible and scary divorce. Anyway old stuff.
But today I am scared. Aren’t we all? But you can’t say that on Facebook because it is far too morose. But WTF is happening? Is this it? I have to hope that our world leaders know what they are doing. That democracy is still a thing. It is. It is. It is. I don’t even have to write that in caps or use an exclamation point because It is.
Music continues in the background. I have meditation music on now but now I just feel alone and blue. The air feel energized. And I don’t like it. I have a candle burning for the Ukraine. For us all.
Sometimes loneliness has such sharp teeth and fangs. I had always considered My Black Dog to have sharp teeth and fangs but now loneliness does too. It is a scary time to be alone.
So I breathe. And wait for bed and better news tomorrow. And pray. Yes, I will.